im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
