I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize