I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
