I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
