I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
