I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
