I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
