i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize