I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
