So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Randomize
