I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
