someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
