okay pat passed out under dana's car
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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