I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
