I bet he comes in French.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
