omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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