Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize