His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
this boner is exhausting
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
