he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
