Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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