i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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