You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
