she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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