Moan for me like Helen Keller
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
