Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
