Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
