So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
now i know why i became what i already was.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
