i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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