woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
