Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
