We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
should my penis look like a turkey
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
