Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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