you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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