ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
