Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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