If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you would pick up someone in the library
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This toilet bowl is my home.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
