Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
