The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
