no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
