she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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