I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
