remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
