im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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