put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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