You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
