I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
