dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
