his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
