I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
