The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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