seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
