i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
