I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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