May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
