The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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