So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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