I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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