Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
