Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize