C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
