I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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