; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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