Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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