currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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