Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
