I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
