i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
