Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
