Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
