The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize