Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
