I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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