I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
