I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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