If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
