dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
