I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
